you owe them a lot. "
- Truman Capote in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'
We have all been completely consumed by, and assimilated into the digital world - like insects trapped in an invisible pitcher plant, that never fails to lure us in with its enticing scent of entertainment and convenience.
And so, as we get on with our lives amidst the omnipresent digital signals darting and flitting all around us, our sense of empathetic understanding - our perception of, and insight into, the minds and personalities of fellow humans - has been benumbed.
We have started treating people like apps. Just as we choose themes on our devices, we are expecting people around us to conform to templates too. We are trying to customise humans.
It is 2023, in supposedly modern India, and here is our society still brutally judging people for simply and honestly being themselves.
I cannot recollect the last time I saw an introvert being appreciated and accommodated in general. Children and adults are alike expected to be jovial, chatty and the life of the party.
I was born an introverted old soul and my son takes after me. But I never imagined that after all these years he would be offered the same reception by the society as I was.
If I sift through my childhood memories, I can remember countless of instances when adult guests regularly and relentlessly pushed me to "change my nature", threatening me with dire consequences upon ignoring their sage "advice".
As I sat watching them gossiping and passing unnecessarily rude and impertinent comments about the private affairs of all their acquaintances (they must have maintained alphabetical order so as to be careful not to miss even a single juicy titbit), I used to feel that, if this was what being popular and accepted meant, I was better off being myself, and would rather face the impending social doom they most kindly foresaw for me, than try to fit into a fake and uncomfortable mould.
Recently, my son was very considerately informed by another parent that if he does not change, he would end up without friends. I wonder if some unspoken law has been passed banning select personality types. If not, it is high time people realise that learning basic social skills is imperative, but uprooting one's unique self is immaterial, to survival.
I wouldn't want to dissappoint these people or burst their ignorant bubbles by letting them know that our lives have turned out great, thank you very much. They should have their fun too. Educating them (that most introverts are actually deeply observant, good listeners, and as their minds are not constantly focused on talking, they are free to engage in actually understanding the people around them, and so they end up being highly matured and compassionate, and form lasting, meaningful friendships) will only deprive them of their fodder.
Mind you, these are the same people who will, in future, search for "quiet, responsible, matured, well-behaved" grooms for their daughters. Well, Mr.Darcys don't grow on trees, people.
And this leads me to another aspect that the Indian society seems to be obsessed with - marriage. Question people as to why one must fit into said templates, and pat comes the universal retort - "unless you do, you will not find a bride or a groom".
Are you a woman who cares more about intellectual, spiritual or philanthropic pursuits than about your wardrobe? Oh dear! You will end up alone. You better groom yourself to have perfectly shaped brows on a scrubbed, plucked, pruned and well made-up face, spending a lot of your time striving to maintain it a certain way that adheres exactly to the prescribed ideal. This, you must follow stringently, irrespective of the circumstances in your life, disregarding the current state of your mind while you may be struggling through some trauma or trouble. In short, you must follow all the trending rules of beauty until you lose your individuality and end up a clone of every other so-called beauty on the planet. Then, and only then, will you miraculously find your soulmate - a "man" man.
Yes, a "man" man. Have you boys been under the misapprehension that you have escaped the pincers of these protocols? Have you been harbouring the false hope that you can skim through life despite being "different" from most other males? You need to be enlightened right away. If you want to be accepted, you must cut a "rough and tough" macho figure. You do not have the option to be too sensitive, too gentle or too "soft", or wear "girlish" colours. As a child, you should have never played with a doll or tried to take care of a soft toy as a mother cares for her baby. Outdoor exercise is vital for all humans, but it is only your gender that always has to particularly prefer sports to indoor art activities or reading. Never mind having a clue about any of the basic skills one requires to keep a house, all you have to do is make sure you earn more than your spouse.
Not that this paradigm demon would leave one alone after marriage. One still has to keep contorting to fit into established stereotypes, or else end up answering questions ad nauseam - initially about having a baby, then about having a second baby (preferably of the gender opposite to the first one); then, the new parents' lives are to be left stagnant as society's focus shifts on the children - their exam scores, their dressing sense, their personality types come under the scrutiny of the society's CCTV - and the vicious cycle gets to be repeated all over again, till one's entire life is spent in giving explanations to people about personal topics that are none of their business in the first place.
This cannot change as long as a portion of our society remains adamantly oblivious to the fact that we cannot be happy unless we are at liberty to be our true selves.
Or are we all condemned to forget our essence and play a part for the rest of our lives, like the way people try to hide their original skin tone with layers of whitewash and paint on their faces to cater to our society's fixation on fair skin?
When are we going to learn to look beneath the surface, to read between the lines?
The other day, as a parent was speaking to me about some minor ailment that had been bothering her kid for sometime, I referred her to our paediatrician - a truly benevolent, good human being who is genuinely concerned about the welfare of the kids under his care. I have never returned from his clinic after a consultation without blessing him for the sincerity and devotion with which he performs his noble profession. That being the case, imagine my bewilderment, when the parent told me a few days later that she did not choose to consult him as "he didn't look like a doctor".
At that moment, if my brain had had to choose a theme, I'm sure it would have picked one with a font that used bold, italicized, underlined letters, all caps, for the one word flashing in my mind - 'seriously?'. If that had reflected on the output screen of my face, a picture of me would have resembled Jim Halpert looking with shocked disbelief into the fourth wall of 'The Office', the camera.
I wanted very much to enquire if she was looking for a cure for her child, or scouting for talent as part of the casting department on Grey's Anatomy. But, as always, I minimized that particular window on my mind, swallowed my thoughts, and mellowed my vocal output to a mere 'oh! I hope your child finds relief'.
It has gone on long enough.. What, my ramblings? No, I meant people have passed on this legacy of narrow thinking for long enough.
It is high time we raise kids in a way that the future society is a gender-neutral, universally kind and accepting one, which simply lets people be, allows them to craft their own path, shape their own life, in a way that makes them happy - a world where people have only their own conscience to answer to; the opinions, needs and guidance of the loved ones who matter to them alone, to consider.
Or else, who knows, kids in the future might not accept that the lady that gave birth to them and brings them up is their mother, because she doesn't look like the moms in Dettol ads.