To misquote the basis of the Anna Karenina principle : good friendships are all alike; every bad friendship is bad in its own way.
I cannot help but feel a significant shift in the nature of friendships over the years. I am not referring to the manner in which our approach towards these relationships changes as we grow older. That change is natural enough, and therefore, inevitable. Nor am I willing to subscribe to the increasingly common opinion of dystopians who blame the apparent decline in the quality of friendships on social media, which in fact, if used wisely, ends up saving many acquaintances which may otherwise sink into oblivion. Social media is no more a novelty than the telephone was, when it was first introduced to human societies largely dependent on letter writing. Socrates is said to have considered even books (the emerging breakthrough technology of his times) or rather the written word on paper, a threat to human memory.
In this context, I believe social media is merely a tool and though it may have minor influences, it is not the prinicipal force that decides the nature of human interactions. If one has the propensity to be intolerant, judgemental or abusive, one is going to be so, no matter what means are employed to convey those sentiments.
I remember reading somewhere that Aristotle defined three types of friendship, based on utility, pleasure and virtue. And it is plain enough that the third kind is the ideal, value-adding one to seek. It is plainer still, that in present times, the first and second types are more prevalent as allies are now more sought after than friends. But no, that is not the bone I have in mind to pick with time. I understand that the presence of all three kinds of friendship is essential for human lives to function, and as long as there is an underlying feeling of goodwill, or at least, a lack of wilful malice, I do not mind how or why the connection begins or exists. It is rather the amount of work that goes into maintaining it that I find bothersome.
According to me, once the role of a person in one's life gets stamped as that of a friend, or whatever connection is shared with that person is cemented as being a friendship, then it can have only one meaning - that they wish each other well, that there is an unspoken agreement of eternal benevolence between them and that this mutual amity is not subject to sudden highs and lows based on mere trifles. It is understood that though distance, time and changing circumstances may affect the frequency of communication and the extent of one friend's involvement in the everyday affairs of the other, it cannot have any effect on the basic, underlying feeling of goodwill.
But I find that it is not so in many cases. I find that friendship, these days, comes with more minutely detailed terms and clauses than a rental agreement, and the slightest violation of any of them throws cold water on everything. The result is a connection as capricious as the waves of a turbulent sea, and so volatile that its status at any given time can be understood only if it is reported like the stock market.
Here are some of the silliest and most immatured of the terms and conditions that, through my eyes, with different people over the years, "this agreement has witnesseth":
The party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as 'Friend1', shall remain on cordial terms with the party of the second part, hereinafter referred to as 'Friend2', if and only if -
1. Friend2 shall always give top priority and preference to Friend1 alone, and shall not consider any other companion to be as close or as valuable as Friend1, or seem to find their company equally (if not more) enjoyable.
Addendum : This stipulation may be eased a little bit if the three of them constitute a trio, but even then, Friend2 shall never spend time with the third party longer, or more frequently than with Friend1.
2. Friend2 shall keep Friend1 informed of every single detail about himself/herself, even if it relates to those aspects of life that Friend2 may choose to keep private, or may find difficult, unpleasant or awkward to discuss. Friend2 shall not show reluctance to disclose all, regardless of the extent of impertinence, ungenerous curiosity or indelicacy that is betrayed by the prying questions of Friend1.
3. Friend2 shall answer every call and reply to every message sent by Friend1 immediately, and never fail to attend any social occasion to which Friend1 has extended an invitation, irrespective of the urgency or complexity of the situation in which Friend2 may be caught up at the moment.
4. Friend2 shall never, God forbid, forget any special date pertaining to Friend1 due to absence of mind. Friend2 may be a genuine well-wisher who, in general, always has true kindness and blessings for the welfare of Friend1 at heart, no matter what date is shown in the calendar. But that shall not count. It shall mean nothing in front of the greetings/wishes that Friend1 actually received on that particular date, most of which may have been sent by other contacts as a mere formality, largely because they possess a digital reminder technology that works superbly.
5. If Friend2 is a parent, and Friend1 is also a parent to a kid of the same age group, Friend2's kid shall not win any exceptional accolades or prizes, especially in something in which both children participated.
Addendum : Inspite of having this bad example in front of them, the kids must somehow magically manage to grow up into great team players having qualities of excellent sportsmanship.
6. Friend2 shall not always seem to have a completely contented, positive and grateful attitude towards life or have nothing to complain about. He/she shall be able to regale Friend1 with lamentations about some problem or the other, or dissatisfaction with somebody or the other (preferably a mutual friend).
7. Following a bout of Friend1's vociferous bellyaching, even if Friend1 is being unreasonable, pettish or entirely mistaken, Friend2 shall not have the option of voicing his/her true opinion that the former is wrong, however gentle, well-intentioned or sincere may be the manner in which it is done.
Well, there it is. Considering all of which makes me feel supremely thankful and lucky for each of those highly valued and true friends who forms an important part of my life. In their absence, I would probably have been reduced to sift through a myriad of bewildering or ridiculous connections which serve only to exhaust one's energy; or probably have been left to seek the help of some friendship app which would have prompted me to type in a search bar -
"looking for a great friend, a true comrade with whom one looks forward to spending time, the conversations always beginning as if there were no gaps between them, the time spent in witty repartee, laughing (not derisively behind the back at a third person, but together as a team of mutual supporters seeing the humour in the challenges of their everyday lives), exhibiting complete solidarity and acceptance towards each other, leaving one feeling thoroughly refreshed, light hearted, comforted and energized"
- and the app would have probably froze in a deadlock, unable to find a match in the real world, or would have simply resorted to the fictitious world and displayed -
"Congratulations! 1 match found. Your ideal friend is, the Marvellous Mrs. Maisel! "